Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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