fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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