I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
