Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
