I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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