She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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