I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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