just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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