i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
