Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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