dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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