I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
