The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My room smells like vodka and shame
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
