At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My life is pants optional.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
