so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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