And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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