You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
