I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
