wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
