the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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