I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize