piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
