The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
this will be a night to untag.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
