YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
