my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
