I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize