Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
