if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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