I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
