he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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