Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
