Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
