Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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