my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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