I'm so fucking centered right now
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
