i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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