So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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