I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
