Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
