there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
