On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
