woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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