i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
