dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
