it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize