Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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