Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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