Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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