I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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