Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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