What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
