Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize