We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
