just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
