i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize