Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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