You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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