i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
