Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
