Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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