Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
