Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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