I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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