Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You pole danced in your parka.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
