there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
