Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
