is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
